Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
