apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
