Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
