Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
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