there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
