i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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