my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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