He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
