i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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