rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My life is pants optional.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
