I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize