Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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