I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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