They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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