How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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