It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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