Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
