piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
