I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
The best revenge is premature balding
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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