I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
