Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
