at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize