yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
