My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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