Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
