this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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