A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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