Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Four minutes until I can fart!
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
