Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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