My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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