if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
