is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
