it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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