I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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