took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
