you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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