Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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