dude i'm inner monologue high
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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