I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
