I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
