there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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