Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize