Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
