I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
There's even glitter on my cock...
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