mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
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