hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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