I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
