Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
