Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
