For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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