I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
