The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
