She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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