My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
