Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
