can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
