I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
