I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
