Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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