I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
