I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
