meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
