I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize