Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
