He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize