he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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